Surrender to my weight, surrender to the twin flame being what it was, surrender in my writing… surrender to god and honestly my life is not the same.
I’ve waited to write about this because I was watching to see if it was a permanent change, or a onetime glow. I was waiting to see how it would manifest in my life and what changes it would usher in. I think many of us struggle with true surrender, especially in the spiritual. It’s hard to surrender to something you can’t see and don’t know what’s real or what’s your imagination. For me, I had worked my way up to surrender in most things, but what I hadn’t mastered was staying in surrender. I was like the child in that poem who gave the broken toy to god, but never actually let go of it so god could fix it. I’d give it to god, then I’d pick it right back up again. It was a very long existing pattern and I am a very stubborn and independent woman.I knew that the only way to truly see change in my life was
to surrender to that which I recognize as God. I’d long thought of it as a wild river that I needed to jump into and allow it to rush all around me taking me where I needed to be, but it was so difficult to stay in that river.
The last time I saw my twin flame, he literally led me into the ocean somewhere around two in the morning and had me lay down in the surf.
At first the idea was daunting. I was in street clothes, nice ones and though we were staying at a hotel right on the sand, the idea of laying down in the water wasn’t… well I wasn’t sure. I knew though that being with my twin that night was special, it had been divinely planned all year and I had determined to take all I could from it. On some level, I think I knew it would be the last time I saw him.
So I laid in the water, my internal dialogue being something along the lines of, he’s crazy, my clothes are going to be ruined, I’m all wet, omg he’s going to drown me… lol it went on and on, but I soon quieted it and surrendered to the moment.
As my twin stood over me, he spoke to me, directed me to surrender myself to the ocean. He talked about being like a sand castle on the shore and with every wave, I was becoming part of the ocean. He talked about letting go of pain and regret, failure, frustration. With each wave, he talked me through letting go of something into the powerful surf.
I’m a water person anyway, and as I laid there, tiny fish swimming around in my hair and around my ears might I add, I started to feel one with the ocean.
Not just the waves that rushed in all around me, but I lay looking up at a black sky and a beautiful moon and nothing else seemed to exist but myself, my twin and the elements. All I could hear was the sound of the waves and the sound of his voice and I could feel the enormity of the ocean. I could feel how immense, how deep, how much life teemed within it. I still remember to this moment that feeling and as I became one with it. I realized how the ocean was a part of the planet and the planet a part of the universe and it all rested within God himself.
I had a glimpse at the enormity of life, of creation, and I got the tiniest glimpse of the enormity of God.
From that moment something changed inside me. I felt different. I was different. I was a part of something so much bigger than myself and I realized I could truly no more control my own life, than I could control the ocean.
It was in charge and I was a mere drop in its vastness.
I have not since fought god. What’s more, I no more fear anything because I realize that the "ocean", if you will, does what’s best for the ocean and I would want nothing more, to see the ocean survive and flourish, is my purpose here.
All of life looks different now because of that night and because of that, I’m different. I've recently gone through a major life shift and before that night, I would not have been able to embrace this change. I would have been afraid, I would have fought, I would have caused myself great amounts of pain.
Because of that night, I took a deep breath and said "Okay god, let's go."
I realized that for me, surrender meant caring about being a part of the ocean and anything that took me away from that, was not something I could do anymore. Putting any person, worry, or thing, before my own surrender was not something I could allow.
What’s wonderful are the changes I’m noticing across the board of my life. I eat differently. I eat in surrender. I wake up each morning desiring to write for the first time in seven years. I don’t try to manage or manipulate my career, I simply write in surrender. I’m working on several new projects diligently with the love and passion and fire I used to have for my writing.
Loneliness is something that has plagued me all my life, but I’ve learned you can’t be lonely when you are a part of the “ocean”. I’ve learned how to connect to that sensation of being a part of all things and there is no loneliness there. I’m also meeting new people, making new relationships and each and every person who’s come into my life since that night, and there have been a surprising number of them, has been more spiritual, more open, more loving than any of the people I’ve ever been involved with in my past.
One of the hardest areas to stay in surrender is where money is concerned. I know money is tight for so many of us, but for me, I have such a long history of fear and panic where money is concerned and when groceries are scarce I stop eating and this plays havoc on everything in my life from my health to my relationships. However, now I'm learning to surrender, to put my focus on being one with god and trusting him to do what was best for the ocean.
I have moments where the fear tries to snake in, but I simply refused to be that person anymore. I am bigger than that. I am a part of something so powerful that I know money and food, or the lack thereof, can not hurt me. It is an extraordinary change that was completely unexpected.
If I could give you one gift, I’d go lay in the ocean with you and hope you could feel what I felt that night. I know when you really see how small we all are, but how deeply loved and cared for, it will change you to the core of your being.
At the end of the day, I believe all life is about god and our ultimate purpose here is to find him, connect with him and become one again with that which created us. If we can do THAT, I think everything else, twin flames and all, falls into perfect place without even trying.
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